OK, I Won't Shirk My Responsibilities. Recap/Spoilers Included!

Tonight we saw a glimmer of hope. After a pretty much yawn inspiring, incredulity stretching, desert of "dammits" (what only one or two dammits? WTH?) hour one, things started to look up.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Dammit =4 (both episodes)
Women proven stupid =0
Women proven evil = hmmm
Women proven freaking insane =1
World of pain =1 (Renee, yes she's back)
Perimeter = almost 1
Hair gel moments = several
Bauer kills =1
Improbable convos between world leaders and CTU functionaries = at least 2
Events imported from a slasher film=2
Dead handsome black men =0
Points where "NYC" can be positively identified as a Hollywood backlot = abounding.

First of all, Jack has been armed and headed out to Queens to follow the trail of our Transylvanian friend, Mike Farmer. Mike's in cahoots with the Bollywood-bound eeevil younger brother of Jack Lord dead ringer, the President of the Islamic Republic. To divert attention, the bad guys have framed the pulchritudinous blonde journalist who happens to be, um, "interviewing" said President.

Hastings, CTU's new head, who appears to lack a variety of things, including a first name, spends a good part of the first hour failing to listen to Chloe and interrogating President Hassan's Infidel Girlfriend.

Chloe's got Jack's back, but loses him on comms. Hastings, the tool, refuses to send backup. It turns out that Jack has picked up the Transylvanian's trail, sadly after "Mike" has killed one of his NYPD colleagues and his wife.

Another pair of cops finds Jack, tases him, and a guy who's both too old and doughy to be a credible NYC patrol cop proceeds to beat Jack briefly for having killed the other cop and his wife...until his hot younger partner stops the proceedings, calls it in, and learns the truth: that the Transylvanian cop is the bad guy and Jack is the good guy. Hot Cop and Jack speed off for the UN.

In the meantime, Bridezilla's secret past, including an abusive ex-boyfriend just back from 7 years of hard time, is catching up with her.

After being abused and shamed by Management for not being up to speed (heh) Chloe is gaining credibility in CTU with every scene. We haven't seen Morris or their child. (What was his name? I'll remember it.)

There's another analyst named Arlo. I say he's toast, I'm not going to waste much time on him here. Remember Milo? I thought so.

Jack, Bridezilla's intended (Cole) and a host of others foil the assassination attempt. Stuff blows up...and I think I'm at hour 2 now.

There's a really tight split screen montage of all of the pieces happening at the UN, driving, the Transylvanian killer moving around masquerading as one of NY's finest. As if. Excellent music, and the crowd at CTU watching the proceedings on TV as stuff blows up. Awesome.

Cole (Bridezilla's intended) and co. bundle Jack Lord off to CTU.

Bollywood boy gets a call from "Mike", who tells him he's about to be outed as an accomplice, and he takes off. But first he knifes a CTU operative in the side of the neck. Eew, can you say slasher film? Very Dawn of the Dead.

Cole then catches a whiff of Mike and goes off after him, with Jack and the Hot Cop bound for the scene. Just as the bad guy is going to shoot Cole, Jack arrives and dispatches the Transylvanian.

As SOP for having shot a faux cop, Jack rips the shirt off the dead guy, to see Russian gang tattoos. Everyone heads back to CTU for debriefing.

Bolly-boy is on the phone with another bad guy arranging a rendez-vous. (Every 3-4 hours, a new bad guy.) The Islamic President chats away with Mr. Hastings, the President, everything is on target for tomorrow's peace accord. (Because yeah, world leaders flood to town any place that bad guys are gunning for other world leaders.)

Jack calls a car service for his trip to the airport, to catch up with Kim, toddler Teri and hubby in LA. And someone makes the brilliant move to call in Renee, apparently the only person who can deal with the Russian mob due to a deep cover assignment of 6 years ago, still intact.

Jack and Renee reunite. She's in a World of Pain. And seriously in need of a comb. But she's willing to help.

Jack heads to the airport. Not.

Instead, Renee and Jack are deputized by Hastings, and an undercover operation is hastily prepared.

Oh yeah, in the meantime, Bridezilla is tracked down by her evil-ex, Kevin. It's clear that she's going to have to kill him. But first he threatens her, she offers him money and then gives him the keys to her pad. (Clearly, she's taking payoffs somewhere, it's a nice place. Which he then proceeds to trash as he orders her to get home. She can set the whole thing up as a "home invasion"...)

Also, the Transylvanian's body turns out to be radioactive. The Islamic President takes this as confirmation that his brother was involved with the attack....they are making weapons, even as the President vows to sign the peace accord.

Bolly boy is shown meeting the new evil guy, who shows his evilness cred by introducing Bolly boy to his son, who had been "careless" with the uranium rods, and is starting to look kind of crispy and not long for this world. Bad Dad gives his feckless son an unfeeling glare as he leaves him suffering in some supply room and ushers Bolly boy off to negotiate.

I predict that The Rods will become this season's Canisters.

Renee finds one of her Russian mob cohorts. In one of the oddest and most unexpectedly weird 24 happenings I can recall (though I can't actually recall too much) they get into a conversation about the parole bracelet he's wearing. He lets Renee put his hand in a vise and saw it off with a power tool that just happens to be close by. (I think he's in a butcher shop, I was not paying attention...I don't think she came in with a bone saw. Cue music from Psycho, weet, weet, weet!)

Eew.

Jack comes in and castigates Renee, who is like, "Whatever, Jack. I'm back."

Bloop, bloop.